Number two of the mistakes that kill the love in relationships is the conviction that MY view of things is right and YOUR views of things is wrong. I don’t think there has ever been a couple that presented for relationship counselling, coaching, or therapy that was not caught in that erroneous assumption.
To be fair, it is not only an affliction couples suffer from, but human kind in general follows that strict line of thinking. Hence the fights, wars, and conflicts we observe throughout history and present day circumstances. How much suffering happened because people thought they were right and hence their actions were justified: from human sacrifice, to slavery, to witch hunt, to wars, oppression, human rights …. the list is endless.
The biggest hurdle is for people to understand that non of us is capable of perceiving ‘reality’ for what it really is. Non of us knows the ‘truth’. The best we can do is presenting our version of the truth. People are not cameras. We can’t make a snapshot of an incident and present it as it is. We always interpret, have an opinion, make meaning of it. The ‘raw data’ our senses pick up is processed instantly by our mind, taking everything we ever experienced, our current mood, physical health, our beliefs, preferences, and culture into consideration. It’s safe to say, we are making it up. Each of us lives in their personal, unique reality, co-habiting but rarely sharing another’s reality fully.
There is the saying “There is not right or wrong, it just is” which is pretty frustrating for those who look for an ally for their cause. From what we know about the building blocks of the human psychological experience we might have to concede that we simply don’t know what is really going on. Scary, isn’t it? I think it’s at least humbling.
How does that help a couple for their relationship? When you can accept that your version of the truth might at best be a possibility and your partner’s reality is just as valid as yours, then you can take the next step and become curious about how the different views came about. Curiosity and compassion >>> do not misinterpret that with curiosity and the Spanish Inquisition >>> will open a pathway to closeness and better understanding each others subjective experience.
If this post stirred your interest, and you want to learn about the 3 Principles of the human experience join me for one of my seminars or workshops that deal with establishing and maintaining loving, sustainable relationships. Life is too short, you might as well make the best of it! Contact me or leave a comment here.